Well, it finally happened. I have finally been pushed over the edge and I must release this pent up failure onto the interwebs. This blogger will serve as a containment area to hold in all the noxious gasses fuming from the terrible games that idiots somehow manage to create these days. I know it's one dirty bastard of a job, but someone has to do it. I don't even know if Mike Rowe could handle the poisonous turds that are exposed to gamers on a daily basis.
Let's start this off right. With a Mario game. Where you traverse through Bowser's bowels.
What do I even have to say about this? Well, a lot - actually, but I'll try and keep it succinct. Firstly, every single Mario game that has tried to mesh platforming with RPG mechanics can chow down on my balls. Super Mario RPG was a great game, and it's a downright fucking shame that we haven't gotten a sequel yet. Instead we've received a slew of these half platformer, half RPG, 100% ass games that shouldn't be allowed to bear the Mario title. Granted, Mario gets around like a dirty whore these days. If Hotel Mario was "I experimented in college", right now would be "sucking dicks for coke money in the back alleyway". Anyway, I digress. It's pretty common sense what is going to happen when you try to mix two genres that are polar opposites. It's going to suck. Platformers are based on action, twitch reflexes, and tight controls. RPG's have necessarily rigid controls and slow gameplay that relies on thought and strategy. So now we have a platformer with shitty controls that, upon touching an enemy, transforms into an RPG for idiots that is based almost purely on tapping buttons at the right time (QTE!) to succeed. To put the mayo on the shit sandwich, the setting is inside of Bowser's body. What, did they run out of clouds with happy faces and neon green grass textures? Mario's been to space, so now they're out of options? What's next, Super Mario Damnation: Adventures in Hades?
Also, how many times are they going to recycle the fucking Partners in Time sprites? They sucked then, they suck even more now. I especially love the blank, emotionless stares from the twins. It's like they're embarrassed to even be there. "Just look straight, Luigi. It'll all be over soon and we'll end up in the used games bin where no one has to see our shame."
In any case, we've seen this happen many times. All other Mario games aside from the current big name ones are cast aside and most likely left in the hands of random developers (in this case "AlphaDream") to fondle them as they wish. Wii owners will be treated to the franchise flagships, New Super Mario Bros. Wii and Galaxy 2, while those unlucky enough to look forward to a Mario game on the DS are destined to be shoved up Bowser's asshole. Your game is bad and you should feel bad, Nintendo.
YT,
BGG
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment